I don't want your remedy

Once again you seem to message me at the best times. Tonight I was lying in bed and you messaged me. But you didn't start anything with me, for once. The conversation actually went well. I told you that I could never be mad at you and that I forgave you. Which is true, but we can never be friends again. In my opinion once lovers you can never be friends again. I will never forget you, but you will always be forgiven Amanda.

Caring

Everyone will have people that come into their lives and leave footprints on them. Whether they are around for a short period or for long-term. Not all of us will tell someone that we care about them, whether they be a friend or a family member. Very few of us will know that a certain person would be devastated if you left their life. Be it through choice, death, or a just fading away friendship. Not a day passes that I wish I would have told an old friend how I felt about him. The thing that is worse is our last conversation was an argument. I never got to tell him how much I cared, or how much of a brother he was to me. How much he had helped me through, and how much he meant to me. We all have friends that we care about, whether we like to admit it or not.  People that we could not live without. Whether you only talk to them at work, school, or if they are something more. If someone has touched your heart, they should know about it. Some of us will be too shy, scared, stubborn, or whatever. When you finally get the guts to tell them the way you feel, it may be to late.

To all of my friends, thank you for what you have done for me. All of you have touched my life in some way and I will never forget that:

Amanda, Ashley, Bobby, Brian, Brent, Bryce, Doug, Evan, Greg, Jaide, Jessi, Joel, Josh, Meghan, Megan, Michela, Ryan, Sam, Steve and Wendy.

You guys mean more to me than you will ever know.

Collin

Life

Lately I haven't been writing on here. It has been quite some time since I actually wrote anything. Be it a poem, a letter, note, blog. Things that made me once so happy, I just shunned away. But now that I look back, it is almost a good thing that I stopped the writing. It was bringing back memories of times that I wished to not relive. This last 2 months have been interesting to say the least though. I stopped talking to the one girl that I truly loved, and will always love. I had my best friend pass away, and then a week later my grandfather passed away. As I seen my whole family cry, I didn't even shed a tear in front of anyone. I had to be strong fro my family. Which is complete bullshit now that I look back. I should have cried, but it is over. I found out that out of my entire family, I am most like my grandfather. I would do anything for a loved one, before I would help myself. I am completely selfish in that everyone comes before me. Who am I to decide that I deserve something more than another? But on the greater side of things, I found out how much my friends care about me. I was stupid for ever thinking that they would abandon me (certain ones of course). They were always there, and yet I felt like they turned their backs on me. Stupid me I guess.

I miss you Grandpa. You will never be forgotten.

One Last Chance

Don't we all wish that we had one last chance with "that person"? Hell, maybe even a first chance. But truth is that most people have been there, wishing that they could have one more chance with that special someone that didn't work out. You tell yourself that things would be different if you could just do it over again. But in reality, would things be different? I asked myself this plenty of times over the last 3 months, and every time I get the answer of 'no they wouldn't'. Why? Because no matter what you do, people will be who they are. They will not change, and if they do it isn't permanent. I learned this lesson to well, and it hurt like hell.

Why?

Why is it that when I desperately need someone to talk to there is no one there? But if someone needs me I am always there. These last two days have been horrible for me. Yesterday I found out that I have a bad back, and my best friend had to go to the hospital. Then today I find out that I have two, yes two, bad discs in in my lower back. Even though I am scared shitless I have to put on a face that says I am not scared. That I have everything under control. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Truth is I just need someone here for me... guess that is impossible at this point.

My Body

Today I had a "check up" appointment at my doctor's to see if there was improvement on my knee. Well it finds out they found something else. There is something seriously wrong with my body, I have to get blood work done next week and 3 mri's done. It may be possible that I will have to get more tests done, but they don't know yet. All I know is that I don't know who I can fall to if everything comes raining down. Right now I don't know what I can do and it scares me to death. But I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason is still out there. Maybe..

Blame

We all have things in our past that we aren't so proud of, maybe even regret. I know there are things in my past that I regret, things that I have admitted to no one, things that I am ashamed of. Some things I will never do again. But don't those things make us who we are? I know that I am scared of letting people find certain stuff out about me because I don't want to lose them as a friend, because I have lost so many already. But that is part of life, and when one door closes, another opens. Although I am still looking for that door. I have no one to blame but myself for all of this. And I need to talk to someone soon....

Total Relief

For a while I actually thought that it was me that did something wrong to make you go away, but now I see that there was nothing that I did. You let yourself fade away from our relationship and let yourself fall into the arm of another, and there is nothing I could of done to hold one. With that being said there is no greater feeling then waking up and knowing that I am no longer yours, and no longer in the broken relationship that you some how blinded me in. There is a saying "You don't know what you have until its gone" but I also believe you don't know what you have until a tragic event happens.

No More

Other than being sick, I am actually the happiest I have been in quite a while. A believe that quite a bit of it has to do with my writing. Although I don't do all of my writing here, I find myself constantly writing. I usually write at work if there is no one to talk to. Which there is only like 3 people I actually like to talk to there anyways. It is an amazing feeling being able to wake up and not feel like you are being held down by that person anymore. I don't get angry when I see her name anymore. Hell, I don't even get angry when I see her. It is just like everything is going my way now and I feel like I have a new found confidence. Something that I didn't really have before. But I also realized that she put me down quite a bit, maybe to make herself feel better about the poor choices that she was making? Oh well. Glad my life is starting to look more like what I want, and not what she wants. No more am I under her grasp.

Only one in Color

It is amazing, I noticed all of my titles are either song titles or song lyrics. But anyway. While I am sitting here not being able to sleep I started to write in my notebook. And only one thing is coming to mind. It is kind of expected because all of my dreams have the same thing coming into them. No matter what the "base" of the dream is the one thing is always there. Does that mean that is something that you truly want? It is just an amazing concept to me. Sometimes I wonder if I really should be going into Computers because the brain just fascinates me, but I have so many great ideas for computers, if only I had the money to fund the projects that I want to do.... Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep without having to worry about anything. On nights that I talk to someone I did notice that I sleep better though. A better quality of sleep. Instead of filling my night with playing playstation 3 or talking to my best friend of 16 years. You actually help me sleep better. Don't ask me why cause I am still trying to figure that out haha.

Suffocate

I could take every word you said to me and throw it in your face. Remember when you looked at me with a frown upon your face and tried to explain to me what it was that you were doing? Well guess what, now your trying to crawl back to me and there is no way that I am going to fall into that trap again. I am finally happy with myself. Why is it that the one that does wrong is the one that ends up wanting to crawl back? And as I am writing this I realized something, I have been having reoccurring dreams involving you and another. Every night it is the same thing. You guys are always fighting, I don't even know what about either. All I know is that you lose every time. I take this as a very good meaning =]

Overthinking

When your friend of 16 years says he knows something about you, he is probably right. I over think EVERYTHING. I always blow things out of proportion with everything and everyone. I always think the worst possible thing will happen. Don't ask me why but it is how I have always been. Even from the time I was a young child. Sometimes I let it hold me back from certain things because I over think them and then work myself up about it. That is probably one of the things that I hate most about myself. When things happen we always fall back to our core selves. No matter what, right?

Lack of focus

Lately every time I go to write about anything I get writers block. I can't seem to focus on anything really anymore. It is really hard for me to stay focused on one specific thing for any length of time anymore. I don't know what is going on but, it is like my mind is just messing with me. It is really hard to explain how I am feeling. And now writing has the opposite effect on me from what it used to. Writing always makes me think about my past now and makes me sad/down. I know that it is in the past but everything seems to have a bad memory attached to it. But that is just life right? We tend to remember the bad thoughts, memories more than the good ones. I think that I need to move away from here and start over new...

A Thousand Suns

The way you looked at me today made me realize something. You haven't look that unhappy in a very long time. I wonder what it was. The fact that you seen me today or the fact you realized that you threw everything good away. You seen the sacrifices that I made for you and you threw that away. The talk that we started having last week also made me realize something. You miss me, a lot. Which makes me laugh because your the one who pushed me away.

Blow me Away

I don't know about you guys, but my mind tends to associate different memories with songs that I listen to. Songs that I listened to to get me through hard times hold onto my memories like a vault. Almost like I can't access certain parts of it unless I am listening specific thoughts. I also do this for remembering different things as well. I always seem to memorize better when I am listening to music. Don't ask me why, and it is a hard thing to explain. But it is very weird to me. Maybe that is why I have to constantly be listening to music. No matter what I am doing I seem to be better at it when I listen to music. I guess you can say that music is a big part of my life.

Tears

Looking back on all of these memories that I have had is truly bringing tears to my eyes. I want things to go back to how they used to be. I want my old friends back, want to enjoy my life. I just wish that I could be able to call and talk to any one of them again. It is a shitty feeling knowing that there is no one that you can call because most people abandoned you all for the same reason. There are many things in my life that I regret and that is one of them. I know that everything is my fault and it hurts inside knowing that I pushed everyone away all because I didn't want to talk to anyone. Well now I have no one to talk to and would do anything just to be able to talk to someone again. Talk to someone how I used to. That is all gone and it feels like none of it will ever come back....

I HATE YOU!

Everything around me freaking reminds me of you. I can't even find peace in my own house and all I can do is think about everything that you threw away. Screw you and everything that you represented in my life. I can't mention how much I freaking hate your guts right now. And the part that pisses me off the most? I still love you with everything and there is nothing I can do about it. God dammit why is it that everything I did for you wasn't good enough? I gave my life over to you and you crushed it like a bug on the sidewalk. God damn you. No one has ever pissed me off so much in my life. Even my step-father doesn't piss me off as much as you. AND HE BEAT ME FOR MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD!

Do you really care?

My question to you is. Do you really care? I know that you said that you do, but in the same conversation you told me that everything that has happened to my is my fault. Everything that has been going on is completely my fault and I can blame no one else. Like I wanted my whole world to fall apart. But that is not true. Sometimes it takes some completely life changing events for us to open our eyes to the world around us. To get out of the little box that we are put in from the time that we are kids. Sometimes it takes our whole world to flip over and for us to realize anything. And that fateful day really opened my eyes to the kind of person you are. And I could't be happier that you are no longer my burden to bear.

False Happiness

When I was with you I used to be so happy. Now I realize all the happiness was based on lies that you told me. Lies that you said to make me think everything was okay. Well now I am truly happy with myself because I realized the very few friends would do anything that they could to help me. The fact that I have stayed true to what I have believed in. I didn't change myself just because everyone else was doing it. I am proud that my life is no longer built around lies and that I now know that there are people around that I can trust. Right now I am feeling so good that I feel like I could take on the world. I would do anything I could for the friends and family that I have because that is who I am. That will never change. We are who we were made to be. The only thing that I wish I could change about my life right now is to move out of state. But that dream will have to be put on hold for now.

So Far Away...

Does it hurt when you think about the ones that you love when they are no longer around? Why does it hurt when we think about the ones that have passed or moved on from us? Is it because they are no longer around? But if we are thinking about them shouldn't it be happy thoughts because if we truly love someone don't we want them to be happy and out of pain? I know this is my train of thought at the moment. All I want for my loved ones to be happy and out of pain. When one of them is hurting or struggling with something and I can't help it hurts me too.

It is apart of me...

I know that most of my posts have been about trust issues and depression, but I am not normally like this. I used to be a very happy individual and very satisfied with my life. But when everything fell apart I did a lot of thinking about my life and wondered if this is where I wanted to be. It is normal for people to think about their life, but all I could think about is the lies that most of my "friends" tell me on a regular basis. And realizing that there is not one person that I actually trust completely and that is why I keep to myself most of the time. I am a shy individual and usually can not talk to people face to face most of the time.

I wish you would

I wish you would just leave me alone. It was your decision and now you can't live with it. No matter what happens I will never go back to you. All the pain and suffering that you have caused me. I am tired of you and all your friends. You will never change and we can never be friends. No matter what happens you will never be apart of my life again. After everything that you did to me and you expect for me to want to be your friend? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Your a giant joke and a fake person. I used to think that you were an amazing, beautiful, smart, and my whole life. But I found out that you are deceiving, a liar, and a coward. I can't even stand to look at you anymore.

To trust..

A friend told me that for me to be able to show people that they can trust me, I have to be able to trust them. I am not totally sure that I can do that but, I am trying to open up to some people that mean a lot to me. And trying to meet some new friends because lets face it. I am a pretty lonely person. Everything happens for a reason right? I just knew what the reasons were. It almost seemed like perfect timing that you would show up but we will see.

This pain inside

It is getting to the point in which I can no longer take my knee pain. No matter what I do it does not get any better and just hurts all the time. Most days I can take the pain but today it just hurts way too much. I have gone to the doctors several times and still no one can figure out what is wrong it.

About me

So it occurred to me that no one really knows me. So here is an attempt to describe myself:
Currently I am 20 years old and going to Baker College for my Bachelors in Computer Information Systems. After I graduate I plan on going to get my Masters at MSU or EMU. Haven't quite decided yet. I am quite the passive person until you mess with my family or a friend of mine, then you will find out what I am all about. I take my friends and family very seriously, they are my life. Without the very few friends I have I don't know how I would make it through what I have been through.

It's crawling in my skin...

Ever get so pissed off that it feels like your blood is boiling underneath your skin but all you can do is cry? That is how my day is going right now. Ever since I woke up this morning my day has gone down hill. I went from one of the all time high points in my life down to an all time low, and no one is here to help me. Some how I managed to piss off my best friend. I don't even know what I did. I'm so mad at myself right now that I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I guess it shows that my step-dad was right all those years ago. I am a total screw up and I will never amount to anything. Everything that I do I end up screwing up one way or another.

In this life

We will do things that we can not explain why we did them. You will do something and instantly regret doing it. Don't regret anything you do because you thought that it was a good idea at the time and you went with your instincts. Everything we do shapes us for the future and will make you into the person that you will eventually be. The question is, when you look on the choices that you are going to make and see how it will affect your life, will you like the person you become? Will you be able to live with yourself and the decisions that you have made? Some days that is the hardest thing that I have to live with. I know that I am only 20 and I have some major regrets in my life because I wasn't thinking when I did them. They weren't good for anyone around me yet I still did them because it is what I thought that I wanted. I know that I said don't regret anything you do but there are many mistakes that I am learning from.

In the end it doesn't even matter

It is truly amazing how the mind works. One moment you can be completely happy and the next you can be completely down because of a bad memory of a past event. That has been my life as I am completely reminded of my past every day. The scars that are inflicted on my mind will never heal as long as I live, it will never be right again. My childhood was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. Going through these events was the most stressful and emotional experience of my life and because of these events I have trust issues, I can't stand yelling, I have nightmares every night about it. Watching my brother cry for the first time when I was in 8th grade because he thought that I had succeeded in taking my own life. A thing that I have to live with everyday. Feeling like your alone all the time is a very hard way to live. Even though I know that I do have some people here for me sometimes it just isn't enough. I have some truly wonderful friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes it is just like no one understands why I am the person that I am. I know what your thinking, that I need some major help, but every time that I try to get help everything goes bad and my life gets worse. I have a hard time extending my trust out to people because of everyone running out on me in my life. I tell people that I do trust them and to a certain extent, but only one person knows everything about me and she doesn't really talk to me anymore.

I told you....

I told you that I would always be here for you and I always will. Truth is that I am starting to really like you as a person/individual and even though sometimes we don't talk very long I truly like it when we do talk. I know we both have our trust issues because we have been hurt in the past, but you will always be able to trust me. I know that it is easier said than done but, I will not hurt you, I will not abandon you. You will always be my friend and I know that we just met recently but I know that we will be great friends. I am looking forward to really getting to know you and see where our friendship takes us. You are a truly wonderful girl and I think that you are very beautiful. Others have hurt you and I know that it will take time before you will trust me (I know what it is like), but just know that you will always have a friend in me and you will always have someone to talk to. Even if you think you are truly alone. No matter what you do I will always be there because that is how true friends work. I will show you that I am a very trust worthy person and you will be able to always confide in me. Everything that you tell me will always be a secret, no one will ever know anything you tell me.

What you do to me

You always told me that you would be there for me and then you disappeared from my life. You took my heart with you and I don't know what I can do to get it back. When you left I watched you break my heart in two and destroy everything that I had built my life upon. My life came crashing down and in an instant all my old habits came back. The ones that I tried so hard to get rid of, instantly came crashing back down like an avalanche of sorrow. You put me into a deep depression that I almost didn't survive from. I had no one there for me and no one that understood. No one wanted to help me out even though I extend my hand out to everyone else in their time of need. It goes to show you that the trust that you instill into others will be broken and shattered in your face. But now I am getting everything put back together slowly to show you what I am capable of without you and you will never be apart of my life again.

Music

Music has been a big part of my life from the time I was younger. Without the availability of music I found at times that my anger got the best of me. Music is a strange thing that can calm people down just by listening to it and it can drive people to get pumped up. I find myself listening to music almost the entire time I am awake because lately it is the only way to keep my sanity. Since I have no one there for me, music is the only thing that I have. Music many times defines who we are by what we listen to.