One Last Chance

Don't we all wish that we had one last chance with "that person"? Hell, maybe even a first chance. But truth is that most people have been there, wishing that they could have one more chance with that special someone that didn't work out. You tell yourself that things would be different if you could just do it over again. But in reality, would things be different? I asked myself this plenty of times over the last 3 months, and every time I get the answer of 'no they wouldn't'. Why? Because no matter what you do, people will be who they are. They will not change, and if they do it isn't permanent. I learned this lesson to well, and it hurt like hell.

Why?

Why is it that when I desperately need someone to talk to there is no one there? But if someone needs me I am always there. These last two days have been horrible for me. Yesterday I found out that I have a bad back, and my best friend had to go to the hospital. Then today I find out that I have two, yes two, bad discs in in my lower back. Even though I am scared shitless I have to put on a face that says I am not scared. That I have everything under control. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Truth is I just need someone here for me... guess that is impossible at this point.

My Body

Today I had a "check up" appointment at my doctor's to see if there was improvement on my knee. Well it finds out they found something else. There is something seriously wrong with my body, I have to get blood work done next week and 3 mri's done. It may be possible that I will have to get more tests done, but they don't know yet. All I know is that I don't know who I can fall to if everything comes raining down. Right now I don't know what I can do and it scares me to death. But I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason is still out there. Maybe..

Blame

We all have things in our past that we aren't so proud of, maybe even regret. I know there are things in my past that I regret, things that I have admitted to no one, things that I am ashamed of. Some things I will never do again. But don't those things make us who we are? I know that I am scared of letting people find certain stuff out about me because I don't want to lose them as a friend, because I have lost so many already. But that is part of life, and when one door closes, another opens. Although I am still looking for that door. I have no one to blame but myself for all of this. And I need to talk to someone soon....

Total Relief

For a while I actually thought that it was me that did something wrong to make you go away, but now I see that there was nothing that I did. You let yourself fade away from our relationship and let yourself fall into the arm of another, and there is nothing I could of done to hold one. With that being said there is no greater feeling then waking up and knowing that I am no longer yours, and no longer in the broken relationship that you some how blinded me in. There is a saying "You don't know what you have until its gone" but I also believe you don't know what you have until a tragic event happens.

No More

Other than being sick, I am actually the happiest I have been in quite a while. A believe that quite a bit of it has to do with my writing. Although I don't do all of my writing here, I find myself constantly writing. I usually write at work if there is no one to talk to. Which there is only like 3 people I actually like to talk to there anyways. It is an amazing feeling being able to wake up and not feel like you are being held down by that person anymore. I don't get angry when I see her name anymore. Hell, I don't even get angry when I see her. It is just like everything is going my way now and I feel like I have a new found confidence. Something that I didn't really have before. But I also realized that she put me down quite a bit, maybe to make herself feel better about the poor choices that she was making? Oh well. Glad my life is starting to look more like what I want, and not what she wants. No more am I under her grasp.

Only one in Color

It is amazing, I noticed all of my titles are either song titles or song lyrics. But anyway. While I am sitting here not being able to sleep I started to write in my notebook. And only one thing is coming to mind. It is kind of expected because all of my dreams have the same thing coming into them. No matter what the "base" of the dream is the one thing is always there. Does that mean that is something that you truly want? It is just an amazing concept to me. Sometimes I wonder if I really should be going into Computers because the brain just fascinates me, but I have so many great ideas for computers, if only I had the money to fund the projects that I want to do.... Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep without having to worry about anything. On nights that I talk to someone I did notice that I sleep better though. A better quality of sleep. Instead of filling my night with playing playstation 3 or talking to my best friend of 16 years. You actually help me sleep better. Don't ask me why cause I am still trying to figure that out haha.

Suffocate

I could take every word you said to me and throw it in your face. Remember when you looked at me with a frown upon your face and tried to explain to me what it was that you were doing? Well guess what, now your trying to crawl back to me and there is no way that I am going to fall into that trap again. I am finally happy with myself. Why is it that the one that does wrong is the one that ends up wanting to crawl back? And as I am writing this I realized something, I have been having reoccurring dreams involving you and another. Every night it is the same thing. You guys are always fighting, I don't even know what about either. All I know is that you lose every time. I take this as a very good meaning =]