Autumn nights

  I realize I have not posted in over 2 months. Quite a bit has happened since then, but this will just be a quick overview. I have gained multiple friends over the last few months. 4 that I know for sure that I could never lose. Taiylor, Leslie and Jess. Jess is like my little sister already, amazing how 2 people can connect. Taiylor, is this wonderful girl that I am beginning to understand more and more. Leslie is a friend that I can talk to, about nothing in particular, and still not get bored. And then there is Devin, just an all around great guy.

So Deep

This last week has been on of the most amazing of this summer. It has been one of the few weeks that I have fully enjoyed, one that I can truly not complain about. Mainly because I have gained a new friend that is awesome to talk to. It helps just being able to talk to someone. Even if you aren't talking about anything in particular, just being able to talk. Having friends there for you is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I have started talking to another friend more often as well, so it has been an overall great weekend. I recently have discovered a thing called Tinychat, and it has done wonders I guess.

I'll be gone

For far too long I have been trying to force something that will never happen. Trying to fight for something that doesn't exist. I finally realized this way too late. I don't know what made me realize this, but something that happened recently did. I am glad that it happened. Waking up to that kind of reality is really uplifting. Waking up and realizing that you are no longer tied down to someone or something is an amazing feeling. I don't have to worry about anything anymore.

Sorry this is short. Cya.

I'm alive when I'm missing you

Right now I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. At the same time I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy. Things are finally looking up for me. No other way to put it. My friends are becoming happier, I am becoming happier, things just take some time I guess. I am way to stubborn to have let any of this really keep me down for long. These last couple of months really have been a toll on me, but I believe that I have grown so much because of them. I know that a lot of my posts have been on more of a depressing side of things, but I am here to tell you I am finally happy! Have a great night people :)

P.S. I love you..

Small Update

So here is a small update. Sorry I have not been writing in this, but this last week has been a rough one. My Grandma Borton passed away on Monday, right before I was about to go see her. So I am truly sorry for not being able to post.

Thanks for understanding.

Tomorrow Never Comes

What I have learned well in the last 6 months. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Nothing is. This is a hard lesson to learn, and it is one that I may have to be reminded of everyday. It is also a lesson that I do not want to learn again. These last 6 months have been hell. My friend told me that I should probably talk to someone about it. No one would understand. Besides that, having trust issues doesn't really help in telling a complete stranger everything. Hell, I don't even post everything I am feeling here. I just have one problem right now. If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason? I wish someone could answer this question for me...

Dreams

Now, when I approach the broad topic of Dreams, I mean the ones you experience when sleeping. Dreams, or nightmares, are things that your mind puts together from the subconscious part of your mind. So many times it was what was on your mind before you went to sleep. So I guess I am going to write about the dream I had last night. The only thing I actually remember is 2 figures, maybe a man and a woman, standing over my lifeless body repeating the phrase "You can do it. We believe in you." I just really want to know what this means...

Random Ramblings of a guy

You know, sometimes it is really hard to block out the world. Especially when you need to do it the most. When you have something going on, everyone around you seems to express their opinions. No matter what the point is, someone always has to make theirs known. I have this major problem of not being able to block out the world when I need to the most. You see, I care WAY to much about what other people think about me. I let what others say effect my mood. That is where music comes into play. I use music to block out the world. Listening to music is when I have the most pure thoughts about something.No matter the situation, I know that music will make it better, or at least appear too.

When your heart is gone

When your heart is not into something anymore you just know things are not the same. I have recently experienced this. Mainly in the relationship/friend aspect of my life. I noticed that if I don't put the effort into hanging out with friends, we don't hang out. Friends grow apart all the time, and sometimes old ones grow back together. They say that when friends move away from you, another friend will take their place by your side. My question is, where are these replacement friends? An answer to that question is, maybe they weren't real friends. If they were real friends, then they wouldn't have left, right? I have very few friends left, I just wonder how long they will stick around. Maybe a long time, maybe not much longer. What I do know is that everyone of my friends are great people, but not everything is meant to be.

Question

This isn't really a post, mainly because I don't have anything to write about tonight. Kind of burned out. But more of a question for you guys to respond to, through a comment.

Do you think that you can be friends after a break up from a long term relationship?

Nightmare

I will be honest, I really don't feel like writing tonight. It has not been a good day and everything I do seems to make it worse. The last couple of hours I have been sad, depressed, crying. No one to talk too. No one to turn too. Every time I start to talk to anyone they always just tell me to "cheer up" and "Stop being sad". Not a single person tries to help me, or just listen to what is wrong. Sad thing is, no one ever does. I am sick of it.

Well, I kept my promise of writing everyday. So here you go.

Sorry.

Why I write

I don't think I ever explained exactly why I write on here, or in a notebook. When I was younger I had a pretty rough childhood, as you may have read. Well I started writing in order to handle the stress, among some other things. Some things worked better than others, some things made the stress worse. Writing is one of the things that helped with it, as it let me put down what I was really thinking, without judgement. I never have been one to deal with conflict straight on, I always trying to shy away from it. So writing was one of the things that I chose to do to get away from it all. I never grew away from the one thing that helped me the most. So now you know.

I know that I said tonight's would be longer, and I lied. I am sorry, I hung out with some friends tonight, so I didn't have time to write tonight.

Thanks for reading.

Video Games

Video Games are part of my life, a way to release stress. I have used them in this manner for quite some time and I don't plan on stopping that. I have realized that I actually need to set that time aside to play games just because of that reason. Much like needing to spend time with someone, or going to work. Coming from a family with multiple siblings, this is actually one of the only ways that I found I had time to myself. I know that it seems pretty bad, but I used to basically worship the 1 hour a day that I got to play. It always seemed that everything was perfect in that time because the world that I was apart of for the short time, I was in control of. It is up to me whether I win or lose. Well that is it for tonight. Tomorrow will be a longer one, as I will have more time to write hopefully.

Thank you for reading.

Storms

Right now it is storming outside right now. It is hard to believe that I used to hate storms so much that I would actually freak myself out over it. It wasn't until I was forced to be outside in a storm that I had learned to love them. I know that sounds weird, but now I absolutely love them. The worse the storm, the better I sleep. I think of storms like this, no matter how bad the storm the earth continues to survive. Kind of like us. No matter how bad the storm gets in our lives we can survive them. All we have to do is keep fighting for what we believe in. It is really hard to stay optimistic about some things, but sometimes being optimistic is all you have. If you can get through the hurricane in your life, you can survive anything. Just believe it.

Thanks for reading.

God Forsaken

Far too often we rely on help from others, before we ever think about helping ourselves. It is those who help people that are far too often taken advantage of. Trust me, I know this. I am always helping when I can, which leads me to being taken advantage of. It is probably because I will generally help people, even when they don't deserve it. I have been told that I only do it because I am a "good Christian". Which actually makes me very mad. I do it because I want to. It is who I am , and always will be. Kind of like the fact that I will be there for anyone who needs me. Sometimes it really sucks, and I wish I could be a dick, but then I remember that eventually everything I have done for people will come back to help me out. So that when I need someone that hopefully someone will be there for me. So if you need help with something, let me know.

As always, thanks for reading.

Life Goals

I am pretty sure that I have talked about this before, but my goals have changed a little bit. It is no longer stay here and get a great job. It is actually to get my Master's degree from an unknown college and then to move out of Michigan. If I find someone that I want to date, then I will have something more to think about when that time comes. But as of right now, I have nothing/no one to hold me down to here. So what is the point of staying here? Sure, my family is here, but I can always visit. Besides, it isn't like anyone here is worth staying for. Except you. But I know that will never happen...

Maybe one day I will express who I am talking about when I say 'you'. Then again, maybe not. Although I am already sure 'you' know who you are. Oh well.

Sorry for the short writing.

Thanks for reading.

Current state of mind

Tonight I realized something, I can't hold up any longer. I am carrying way too much weight on my shoulders and I can feel my supports starting to weaken. 2 jobs, full time college, it is just way to much for me. But I will keep pushing on. Why? because I will never give up. I will continue to do what I can until I physically can no longer take it. Once again, why? Because I am stubborn, I never give up. I have to be strong, for you. That is just who I am. I always take things upon myself to do everything. To accept the burden of everyone. It has been one hell of a road up to this point. I wish I could tell you exactly what is going on, but it will happen, eventually.

And if you are reading this, and wondering if I am talking to you, it probably is.

And I apologize that I don't write in this a whole lot. I am going to try and do a hell of a lot better on that. I promise. I am going to try and post a blog every day in May.

Thanks for reading!

Everything Happens for A Reason

It is a little cliche, but everything really does happen for a reason. Whether it be good or bad. Just recently I have been talking to my ex again. Quite a few people have been telling me that this is not a good idea, but yet I still do it. It just sucks that I cannot explain to them exactly why I started talking to her again in the first place. I have been told that I should just be an asshole to her, but that is not in me. It is hard to just not talk to someone who helped you through everything in your life. I probably wouldn't be here writing this if it wasn't for her.

Surrender

For as long as I can remember I have let people tell me what I am good at, what I love, how to feel. I have let people have a huge impact on my mood for the day. Trying to change old habits can be one of the hardest things that you can do, but I am surely trying this time. After my cousins death and going to the memorial service, I realized that if you let others influence you negatively then you will achieve less.

Death

Death. Something I have come way too familiar with lately. Death of family, death of friends. Death of love, and death of hatred. Death of emotions, death of selfishness. Death of hope, death of faith. I have been talking with my friends recently about everything that is going on and two friends have really helped me through this tough time. Jessica Renfer and Ross Reed. For those of you who do not know me, my cousin passed away on Tuesday morning and my grandmother Linda Borton was diagnosed with stage 3 Colon Cancer. Time to explain everything.

My Son

You may not know me but I know everything about you.
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
I am familiar with all your ways.
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
For you were made in my image.
In me you live and move and have your being.
For you are my offspring.
I knew you even before you were conceived.
I chose you when I planned creation.

Thinking about you

Sometimes there are certain people that you can't stop thinking about. Whether it be a loved one, a friend, that new girl you just met. Well whoever it is, once you think about them in a sense your mind will never forget them. You may forget their name, or some of their characteristics, but once you see them again, it is almost like you never stopped talking in the first place. Sometimes that concept can be a little hard to grasp for some people because they want to forget about people in their past, or present. You can't just forget about the people that once made you happy, or sad.

Times like these

Sometimes all someone needs is to know that there is one person out there always thinking about them. It doesn't matter if it is a family member or someone from your peers. It is an amazing feeling knowing that someone out there actually truly cares about you. Not just when it is convenient for them, like if they will get something out of it, just because they know that they can. Some things in this life can not be described to anyone, you just have to feel it. Love, depression, and heart break are a few of those things.  Ironically I have experienced all three of these, within the last year.

The New Year

With this new year many of us have high expectations for the next 366 days. Many of us make New Year resolutions like Losing Weight or changing the kind of person you are. It all sounds like a good idea. But truth is that the New Year resolutions are filled with false promises. False promises to yourself and to other people. Yeah everyone tells you how you should hang out more. But how many people actually mean it? Chances are likely that you won't change and hardly anyone else will. The changes of someone sticking with a new yeares resolution are low. Most people forget the resolutions that they made. This is because most of the resolutions are not thought through. Many of them are just on the spot resolutions.

Anger

Why is it that every time I always let everything build up and then when it comes time I let everything out. Usually on the wrong person. Either someone I care about or someone that will have a huge impact on my life. I will bite my tongue for quite awhile and one little thing will push me over the edge. Even right now I get more pissed with every second. I don't know why I let these stupid things affect me. Why I let them build inside. This is a question I will never be able to answer. I used to think that I had a good control over my anger. Until my ex showed me that I did not and helped me with it. Until she turned that same problem against me and blamed everything on it.
Forever I have lived by this saying:

Everyone has the right to be happy. Everyone has the right to be satisfied and calm. No one deserves to be alone.

Sometimes I don't believe this to be true. I always go back to this saying and it helps me calm down. I used this saying to get out of one of the darkest moments in my life. I just hope it helps me like it always has.