It is truly amazing how the mind works. One moment you can be completely happy and the next you can be completely down because of a bad memory of a past event. That has been my life as I am completely reminded of my past every day. The scars that are inflicted on my mind will never heal as long as I live, it will never be right again. My childhood was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. Going through these events was the most stressful and emotional experience of my life and because of these events I have trust issues, I can't stand yelling, I have nightmares every night about it. Watching my brother cry for the first time when I was in 8th grade because he thought that I had succeeded in taking my own life. A thing that I have to live with everyday. Feeling like your alone all the time is a very hard way to live. Even though I know that I do have some people here for me sometimes it just isn't enough. I have some truly wonderful friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes it is just like no one understands why I am the person that I am. I know what your thinking, that I need some major help, but every time that I try to get help everything goes bad and my life gets worse. I have a hard time extending my trust out to people because of everyone running out on me in my life. I tell people that I do trust them and to a certain extent, but only one person knows everything about me and she doesn't really talk to me anymore.
My life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride and I hope that I can have a break soon. All this emotional wear and tear on me has been taking its toll on me and it is physically wearing me down. It is so hard to be able to get back up every morning knowing that sorrow awaits me. I am hoping that I don't scare her away with all of my problems and I am completely scared that if I open up to her that I will regret it later. I find it easier to let people confide in me and helping fix other peoples problems than face my own. I would do anything for someone before even attempting to fix my own problems. There are just some demons in my life that are to hard to face and there are secrets that I have that I just know that everyone will leave as soon as they find out. I don't want to take that chance because I truly need everyone in my life, feeling alone is a terrible thing, but actually being alone could kill a person. I just wish all of this pain would go away and maybe this blog will help....
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